All at Once

Miscarriage is a loss that is intensely isolating.


I'm sitting here aching - 


-no, I'll tell you the truth if you care to know: I'm crying in a corner of Starbucks. My throat feels so constricted, I can hardly get the coffee down. The agitation is so overpowering that I can not be still for a second-


-and trying to resolve in my mind how it is that, even as I accept with faith that G-d took my baby for a reason that is only driven by love, I still feel such an overwhelming sadness. I've fought this all week. 


Fought. 


Fought. 


Fought. 


Swallowing back tears and starting to run for the nearest distraction as soon as I feel the grief beginning to swell. Telling myself I have nothing to cry about. I never even got to hold this baby in my arms, after all. I never named it. Where's the logic behind my feelings? I'm afraid of these emotions that I can not explain, that seem so incongruous with the faith I am clinging to.


Parsha Shmini:  Aharon's two sons offer strange fire and G-d consumes them. Aharon is silent. Not silent as in pursing-his-mouth-shut-while-fuming-on-the-inside. Silent as in not-making-accusations-against-heaven-for-taking-his-children. He accepted the decree and was at peace with it. 


But then, just a few verses later, as Moshe lambastes him for not doing his priestly duty of eating the sacrifice, he responds that G-d would not have been pleased with him had he eaten the sacrifice while he was mourning his sons. Moshe concedes that Aharon is right. 


Aharon's grief was not discordant with the peace with which he accepted his son's death. It played the harmony against his melody of faith. I'm suddenly struck with fact that, as much as I wish life would neatly unfold, allowing my emotions to fit cleanly within the boundaries of reason, maybe that is part of G-d's kindness that along with grief, He sends faith. Along with sadness, he sends joy.


This week, I have felt the sharp pangs of missing someone, and simultaneously I've felt a greater enjoyment than ever in my three boys. I love to sit on the couch with them and marvel at their fingers and toes, to put my head against their chests and hear the heart beating strong and steady. And I feel nothing short of amazement that G-d gave me three perfect pregnancies resulting in three healthy children before it ever dawned on me that my fertility was mortal.


“Happy and sad rush at me all at once and as I try to breath my way through, I feel somehow as if the secret of life is contained in these moments. .”

The headaches,

Womb-aches:

Constant reminders. Once here.

Now gone.

I gave,

Nurtured you.

Souls knit.

Ripped away. 

Bleeding wound.

Mysterious grief.

Illogical mourning.

Left without. Holding emptiness

My children

Still here.

Breathing in.

Breathing out.

Smiling big.

Crying loud. 

Scraping knees.

Hugging tight.

Ongoing miracles

Sustained life.

Happy present,

Hopeful future.

You're alive

With me.

Trembling sobs.

Shaking laughter.

Empty womb.

Full heart.

Deepest yearning.

Complete contentment.

Death faced.

Life embraced.

I trust

His love.

I cry. He cries

With me.

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